Eyes across the bar/
Moonshine hits unkempt covers/
Levi’s on the floor.
This actually took a while. I wrote the original and rewrote lines until I thought it was seductive enough. I also wanted to make sure I used the right words and made sure you could picture something when reading it. It’s not easy to do with 5/7/5 syllables. You have to make everything as concise as possible without leaving out parts of the story.
Oh yeah, this haiku is supposed to tell a story. I think it does the job. Two kids (not actual children) are at the bar, catching each other’s eye across the room every now and then. The middle is a mystery…which is something I like about haikus. You can fill the parts in-between what is told, yourself. They might have talked or not. Maybe they were just leaving at the same time and bumped into each other. Maybe they started to talk and couldn’t get enough of each other then. Maybe not…who know.
The moonshine hitting the unkempt covers looked like a painting in my head when I wrote it. It was kind of unclear, foggy, and dark. The only light comes from the moon through the slats on the window, that cut the room and its belongings with slanting crosses. The bed is roughed about….I’ll leave that to your imagination.
The jeans lay flimsily on the hardwood floor, being misted by stray moonlight.
Haikus are deep/intense.